Ever notice how it's the little things in life that amuse us so much? More to the point, ever notice how it's the silly little idiocies in life that amuse us more than anything else? Well, this is not as much ''the little blog that could'' as it is ''the blog that enjoys going up the down escalator in your local mall.'' Will it have anything of real importance? No, probably not. But enjoy the ride never the less!

 
As indicated in the previous bit of nowhere, I recently acquired a strange and unique DVD at Anime North. The mere title of this little imported production was more than enough to intrigue me--and, by what Jason mentioned, the title itself was also the primary reason Ryan bought a small batch of them to sell at the Con. That title?





You couldn’t get much more what-it-says-on-the-tin than that; obviously there must be a girls swim team involved, as well as zombies. And, if the cover was to be believed, chainsaws too.

I think everyone I encountered at the Con who learned of my morbid fascination with this title, and of my subsequent purchase of it, all said they wanted to hear my review of this DVD, as it just seems too bizarre to defy a generic description. And they were all absolutely right.

To an extent, you will probably never witness anything quite like this movie ever again. And it is entirely possible that, once the end credits roll, you will either be laughing at the silliness or demanding back that wasted hour and a half. (Kind of like watching the Rifftracked version of “Twilight,” which will have you adoring the riffs, but crying over how bad the movie is by itself.)

So where do we begin with a movie like this? Well, let’s start with the title, which is actually a little bit of a misnomer. There is a girls’ swim team involved, and they do attack things. (Their success rate, however, is…well, I have a better chance at the world embracing me without pants, let’s put it that way.) And the “zombies” in question are more viral-infected people as opposed to the undead. As Mel eloquently put it, “Oh, so they’re the Genado from Resident Evil 4.”


And now, the movie in 15 minutes:


[Outside some non-descript high school…]


AKI
*brood brood brood*

SAYAKA
“Hi, you must be new here! I’m on the swim team. Want to join us?”

AKI
“No thanks, I have issues with the water.”

SAYAKA
“You’re strange. Want to be my friend?”

AKI
“That’s great…um, why are you tenderly stroking my hand?”

SAYAKA
“No reason.”


[Cut to a random classroom in the school!]


HELPFUL DOCTOR WHO IS OBVIOUSLY NOT A MAD SCIENTIST
“The Umbrella Corporation is pleased to help vaccinate you against Swine Flu. Warning: side effects may include itchy rashes, slurred speech, impeded motor function, loose morals and an overpowering hunger for human flesh.”

MATH TEACHER
“What about me?”

HELPFUL DOCTOR WHO IS OBVIOUSLY NOT A MAD SCIENTIST
“You’ll inexplicably learn to juggle and eat fire.”

MATH TEACHER
“Cool! Sign me up!”


[30 minutes later….]


ZOMBIE STUDENTS
“Itchy tasty! Itchy tasty!”

RANDOM STUDENT VICTIM #1
“Ow, my jugular!”

RANDOM STUDENT VICTIM #2
“I knew I should have transferred to Furinkan High last semester!”

MATH TEACHER:
“Thanks to science, I can juggle apples and rulers now! Mwah ha ha haaaa!!!”


[Elsewhere….]

AKI
“Holy crap, everyone but the swim club’s turning into zombies!”

SAYAKA
“I like you, Aki.”

AKI
“That’s great and all, but we’re stuck in the cafeteria kitchen right now.”

SAYAKA
“No. I really, really like you.”

AKI
“I like you too, but we have to watch out for the zom…why is your hand down my skirt?”

SAYAKA
“Les Yay?”

AKI
“Shouldn’t we go and rescue the rest of the swim team?”

SAYAKA
“But what about lesbian porn?”

AKI
“Okay, fine. But just this once!”


[Cue the rousing “I didn’t know a side order of bad porn came with this cheese” scene!]


SAYAKA
“So, now that we’re in the post-coital afterglow, tell me a little about yourself.”

AKI
“Well, a few years ago I was kidnapped by a mad scientist and forced to become an elite killing machine who primarily used water as my entry point for assassinations. Oh, and the guy who trained me was a sexual sadist.”

SAYAKA
“Gee, thanks for the mood killer.”

AKI
“Don’t worry, this explanation comes with flashbacks.”


[Cue the flashbacks! See Aki doing a push-up!]


AKI
“I’m a badass killer! Watch me do a push-up!”

DIRECTOR
“Hmm…not enough fetish fuel for the viewers. Let’s put a ball gag in your mouth while you do push-ups.”

AKI
“Dammit!”


[More flashbacks! See Aki pose dramatically on the beach!]


AKI
“I reiterate: look at how incredibly cool and badass I am!”

DIRECTOR
“You’re holding the plastic gun wrong.”

AKI
“Shut up! So I finally earned my assassin badge. And I’m sure my stunt double will make sure I look seriously kick-ass in all my fight scenes.”

DIRECTOR
“Um…about that. We blew the budget hiring that juggling guy. You’re doing all your own fight choreography.”

AKI
“Are you insane?! Did you even see that last flashback scene? I could barely even do a push-up properly, and now you expect me to look like I’ve had more than one lesson in martial arts training?”

DIRECTOR
“Yeah, you’re right. Let’s show more porn scenes and hope the audience forgets about that.”

AKI
“Dammit!”


[Yet more flashbacks! Witness her mad scientist/trainer taunt her with bad flute voice-over music!]


MAD SCIENTIST
“See how cool my flute is? It’s causing you to become uncontrollably horny and want to screw me!”

AKI
“Why is there flute music still playing even though you’re talking and holding the flute away from your face?”

MAD SCIENTIST
“Um…science?”

AKI
“Oh. Just checking.”


[Now returning you to your regularly-scheduled cheese….]


SAYAKA
“Wow. That still doesn’t make much sense. Oh by the way, I’m pretty sure we’re twin sisters.”

AKI
“But we look nothing alike.”

SAYAKA
“Try not to think about it or your head will explode. Will this make future sex awkward for us?”

AKI
“Nah, twincest is all the rage in fanfiction anyways. Let’s find the rest of the swim team and hope they didn’t get eaten while we were having our tryst.”


[Meanwhile, at the pool…]


GIRLS’ SWIM TEAM
“So why aren’t we zombies?”

AKI
“It must be the chlorine in the pool that’s neutralizing the virus.”

GIRLS’ SWIM TEAM
“Hooray for chlorine! Wait…is that even possible?”

AKI
“Fools! Never question science. Now, my keen deduction skills tell me that my mad scientist/mentor/rapist has returned to wreak havoc upon the school because I escaped from him.”

SAYAKA
“Makes sense.”

AKI
“I had better go kill him before anything bad happens to the rest of you.”

GIRLS’ SWIM TEAM
“You’re leaving us alone again?!”

SAYAKA
“This sucks! She’s risking her life for us, so I say we completely disregard her sacrifice and go on the attack! We’ll be like those Spartan guys in 300, only in swimsuits!”


[Dramatic music swells as the swim team dons their form-fitting, aerodynamic one-piece battle uniforms! Thrill as a number of jump cuts show them grabbing metal bats and lead pipes while looking utterly badass!]


ATTACK GIRLS SWIM TEAM
“Raaaaar! Watch us kick ass!”


[2 minutes and the first villain they encounter later…]


ATTACK GIRLS SWIM TEAM
“Holy crap, we’re all dead!”

GENADO ENGRISH TEACHER
(inexplicably armed with a katana!)
“Raaaaaar! More Prinnies! I demand you bring me more Prinnies to eat!”

SAYAKA
“Suddenly I’m so glad I was the last person out the door. But this can’t be right. And where the hell did you find a katana in a public school?”

GENADO ENGRISH TEACHER
“Science!”


[Elsewhere, Aki confronts the Mad Scientist in the largest public school boiler room known to Japan.]


AKI
“I could be in my trailer and having a stunt double do this entire scene. Stupid juggling teacher... Oh well, let’s get this over with. I’m going to kill you now.”

MAD SCIENTIST
“I rather doubt that. Behold, my science flute version 2.0. Now you have no choice but to fall under my submission again!”

AKI
“What the? Now your flute sounds like a synthesizer whenever you play it. How the hell is that even possible?!”

MAD SCIENTIST
“I told you, science can do whatever the hell it wants to.”

AKI
“Who wrote this turkey?! I refuse to acknowledge this plot as even remotely coherent.”

MAD SCIENTIST
“Oh, so you refuse to bend to my will? Well, how’s about I inject myself with not one, but two full doses of my not-quite-a-zombie viruses?”

AKI
“Won’t you overdose and die instantly?”

MAD SCIENTIST
“Not before running around uselessly while some really bad special effects make it look like I have a rubber head!”

AKI
“We don’t have time for this. The audience has already realized this film sucks as both a B-movie and a porno. We have to cut to the big finish while I cut your throat open!”

MAD SCIENTIST
(now featuring a trendy new throat gash!)
“I…loveded you…science…”

AKI
“Well, that was disturbingly anticlimactic. Speaking of climaxes, I wonder where Sayaka has gotten to.”

SAYAKA
“Here I am! I love you! Kiss me!”

AKI
“Mmm…kisses. What the? Your kiss just paralysed me!”

SAYAKA
(with medicine bottle!)
“I did it with this!”

MEDICINE BOTTLE
“I’m a plot point!”

SAYAKA
“Aki, you fool! I was never a schoolgirl lesbian or your twin sister; I’m a rival assassin who enjoys being a sex toy, and I was sent here to help kill you!”

AKI
“I am shocked and dismayed by this plot twist. Well, I guess this means we’re not sisters or friends anymore, but there’s no need to be uncivil about this.”

SAYAKA
“Oh, and I faked every orgasm.”

AKI
“You bitch! I’ll kill you! I’ll fucking kill you all!”

SAYAKA
“Nothing can stop me now, except for maybe a badly-rendered CG knife!”


[Cue the badly-rendered CG knife killing Sayaka]


SAYAKA
“Dammit!”

AKI
“But who threw the knife?”

MAD SCIENTIST
“I’m wearing VR gloves on my hands to make me look scary!”

AKI
“Not you again! How is this even possible? I watched you die in a badly choreographed sequence.”

MAD SCIENTIST
“No, you saw my twin brother die! But luckily, I’m just as nuts and sadistic as him!”

AKI
“Wait…so which of you is the evil twin?”

MAD SCIENTIST’S POSSIBLY EVIL TWIN
“With all the plot holes already littering the ground, that’s the one question you ask? Oh, hell with it. I have you now!”

AKI
“Oh yeah? You forgot about my…heat-seeking vagina laser!!!”

MAD SCIENTIST’S POSSIBLY EVIL TWIN
“Ha h…what?”


[No word of a lie: a laser fires from Aki’s crotch and frags the evil twin in a spectacular display of special effects failure.]


MAD SCIENTIST’S POSSIBLY EVIL TWIN
“It burns us, Precious! It burns us!”

AKI
“Wow, that was surprisingly effective. Perhaps I should have used this earlier to help save everyone else at this school…nah!”


[In the grand finale, Aki returns to the pool!]


AKI
“It’s over. Finally, the epic cheese--I mean, epic war is over. And I have accepted the fact that I truly love being in the water. I guess I really will sign up for the swim team after all…”

[Aki surveys the roster, noting how everyone else’s name has been changed to read ‘cannon fodder’.]

AKI
“Well, crap. So much for the swim meet. I’ll just have a relaxing swim in the pool. La la la…AW FUCK, MY HEART! I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND DROWNING IN THE POOL! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!”

MEDICINE BOTTLE
(with a label that reads ‘After using, do not perform heavy exercise, such as running or swimming, for at least 8 hours after.’)
“Told you, bitches! Pwned!”



-FIN-


So there you have the dramatic conclusion: Aki, a badass schoolgirl assassin (and apparently part-time lesbian) manages to survive battles against zombie students, jugglers, zombie teachers, another schoolgirl assassin and two mad scientists…only to be killed by not reading the instructions on a prescription bottle.

Labels: attack girls swim team versus the undead ( the review)

posted by Phillip at 8:00 AM